Deployment Day 15

It has been a couple weeks since I have wrote on here since my life seams to be just a day in and day out process.  We all miss Adam so much and it has been very difficult around her mentally and physically.  Not much has changed since the last time I have documented on what we do and say around the house.  Steel read a letter the one night that Adam wrote to him.  Steel originally wrote to Adam (before he left) "why do you have to go away for a year" Adam wrote back to him that he did not want to but he had to and that he was always there in his heart and he will always be his little buddy.  Steel read it and started to cry, he seams to be the most emotional one out of the children.  Steel said I miss him so much mommy and I just wish he could come home and quit the Army.  I said I know but he has a special job to do for us and our country.  Steel responded I know but it is not the same here without him around.  He proceeded to cry as I held him in my arms.  I told him that we always have to remember that we are here together even though he is gone but Adam is with no one.  He has no one to go and cry on their shoulder and tell them that he misses his family.  He has no one to lay down next to and snuggle with like you have me to make you feel better.  We always have to remember that.  Steel has had his ups and downs the last couple weeks and it is very hard on him since he has built up such a great relationship with Adam.
The last couple weeks has been rough on Saphia as well.  She has not been sleeping much at all.  She has been waking up all night every hour or so crying.  Sometimes complaining she hungry, thirsty, stuffy nose and even asking where is her daddy.  She is only 2 and is not realizing things are different.  It breaks my heart to hear her asking where is my daddy in the middle of the night or my daddy is on a plane and then she starts to cry.  She is having a hard time in her own way and the only way she knows to.  We tried to look at her book the other night that Adam made and she slammed it shut and threw it because she did not want to hear his voice I think she was having a moment of anger, which she will have.  These process that we are going through are very similar when you lose someone. 
We have been trying to make it as positive as possible we have a box of all little things that we are collecting like pictures and letters and notes and goodies for Adam so we can take to the post office as soon as we know where to send it.
Adam has been able to contact me most days.  We have had moments where we could not talk for days and the longest so far has been 5 days.  I have been getting used to not talking to him for hours but 5 days was quite a long time.  I have all of my technology systems set up to get any email, im or phone call so I wont miss anything from him.  We have Yahoo, Skype, Facebook and Yahoo IM all ready to go at all hours of the day here.
He has been ok he says.  He has been sad that he misses his pumpkin pie and his little buddy and he misses me too.  I know that I can do my best to understand but what is hard is holding up the kids and telling them it will be ok. They are done holding me up now it is my turn. 
We were able to Skype the other day for like 10 minutes but it was long enough for me to see him and know he is ok.  We hope to get the moment to do it this week so the kids can see him too.
So I go upstairs now to give Saphia a drink since she wok up asking for one.  She fell back asleep and in her sleep she said "goodbye daddy"... it is so sad i feel so bad for these kids that have to go through this pain. 

We miss you Adam so much and can't wait till these days are over...... until we see you again you are in our hearts.